To what end is the family tie a bond for life? Is it possible that while love for them may be unconditional understanding, compassion, and even care can go right out the window? There is nothing worse than an disjointed family with problems. However, what about familys where it has always been rosie and lovely?
Growing up it seems that my wishes and dreams always revolved around making my small destroyed family into a clone of TV family's like The Nanny or The Cosby Show, but in reality mine could not even match up to to a family as disfunctional as the Lopez Family.
This year I spent Christmas in a my friend's house. It was the first time I ever experienced a Christmas like this one. On the outside it made me happy and I was smiling hard as I sang carols that I did not even know, but inside, I was crying. I was aching. I wanted to leave and rupture the sky as I cast out a question to the heavens of why? Why was my life made to be so difficult. There have been no breaks for me and my family. We cannot escape the hard life. Money is always scarce and happiness is fleeting like the wind as it drifts away whenever the slight possibility arises. Do not get me wrong, I am happy but the mirth these people experienced in their celebration. The family unity, the surreal value of it all. Well, I just wish I had that but instead I had two lonely people call me wishing I were home to share the moment. I would have cried if it had not been for the fact that they were already crying enough for me.
I am not particularly religious because of a very simple fact. I have not felt the touch of God or His protection. He has not helped me through the rough times and if nothing else I have been a puppet is a giant show. Problems followed only by more problems. The bottomless barrages of incessant struggle. I have never felt like I was being guarded. Even now I still feel like a lost child looking for the right place to call home . I continue feeling unloved by those above and it is why I face each day with a grain of salt hoping that I may make it through without so much of a fight for once.
4 comments:
like i said... sum mor deep stuf....
idk its kinda difficult n easy at the same time as u sho u self here.. all sad n stuff n yet all happy.. wenever i see u [wich is barely now] ur usually smilin or laffin..
but then again it could all b fake smiles and laughs.. with a shytload of heartbreak and sadness inside...
jus saying..
I like to compare my family to Roseanne...lately I have been more and more addicted to the shows because I see us in that family sitcom. Its dysfunctional, rude, and sad and funny all at once.
Its the only show that really introduces trauma and hardship in a low income family, as opposed to your average middle or upper middle class family whose issues range between Molly going to prom and Johnny facing a trifle at school.
I find your questioning of God both painful and fascinating because I have similar feelings. I never thought of the whole "protection" aspect...but it is this part that I find most intriguing in your blog. So I tell myself, it must be this that describes the abandonment I have always felt but yet could never put words to.
I think it is the emotion that all the people who suffer the hardships of poverty have to come to grips with. It is also the way some people frantically search for a scapegoat or sanctuary to hide behind. I believe that this is how some people become completely obsessed with the practice of religion. They are looking for someone to help them and the only person who they can never say let them down is a person who is not confined to the conventional manner of action. Sure a good thing happens easy to say that God did it. Bad things, oh my gosh I am cursed. Inevitably everyone ignores that omnipotent characters have been testing humans since the dawn of time so the bad could also be done by the protector. I am just saying that God can be the good guy and the bad guy and that we will never be able to tell if we are abandoned or just being tested constantly...
I understand disfunction that you probably wouldn't see by just looking at me.Ii am a religious person and I have been through a lot, but I don't believe I am cursed. Some people use that as an excuse when they do not fully grasp that test or trials or whatever you want to call it happens are ways for us to learn from hard situations to improve ourselves. To me every bad situation is a chance to grow as a person because if nothing ever went wrong how would we grow. Sometimes you have to sit down and look at all the good and all of the bad without taking in account others living situations. Life is hard, but we all have to live it. Sometimes things happen that do not seem to be fare, but there is nothing we can do about it. we cant change who our parents are and we cant change the decisions they have made. these things we have to deal with, but what we can change is how we let them impact us. Changing how we react to difficulties in life will allow us to change our future.
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